I have had it!
How often do you find those words on your lips? I have found them bubbling up to my lips a lot lately, only to clamp my mouth down tight and swallow them down. Not today. Today I am letting them pour forth with gusto and absolute frustration.
I have had it!
I am tossing luggage every which way in what can only be termed as an adult temper tantrum. I should be embarrassed, and if someone was watching this mostly emotional display ... well, I probably would be. You're getting the filtered version, but I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
I have had it!
With work. This year our district gifted us with a pay cut. They then demanded more work than ever before, including a massive amount of work that must be done during the summer. Teachers have the summer off? Not bloody likely! I always work on my curriculum during the summer, but this year I am putting in 8+ hours a day (including weekends) trying to address all the demands we were sent home with. We are to master several new programs, redo curriculum alignment, integrate new technology, redo lessons, adapt lessons to meet new common core standards, rewrite assessments, and the list goes on and on. I feel overwork and very much underappreciated and undercompensated.
I have had it!
With aging. My own and that of my mother. My body is becoming an adversary set on punishing me when I push it. Sadly, my lifestyle seems to involve pushing the bod all the time. I find these aches and pains irritating, and disheartening. I am being forced to change some choices I make about how I live my life and how I do things. I don't want to. It makes me sad. Still, this all pales when compared to facing the aging process with my mom (who, thankfully, lives with us). My mom has always been an active lady, beloved by all who know her, and one of my best examples. She is suffering from physical issues that make it very difficult for her to do the things she wants to do. (Um, yes, I know ... familiar territory.) That makes her frustrated ... and yes, angry. Unfortunately, the anger often gets vented on members of the family. We're all beset by the feeling that we cannot do anything right. It hurts. What is far worse though, is the mental deterioration we are seeing. It isn't drastic, but it is there. This fact alone is breaking my heart. To see the vital woman I adore and admire beset by confusion, and escalating hearing loss, and forgetfulness is difficult. We all find ourselves having to repeat things over, and over, and sometimes over again. We are having to face the fact that driving (which has been limited to a radius of a few miles ... our familiar neighborhood stores and doctors' offices) is probably not going to last much longer. I find myself making rules about what can and cannot be done while we are at work and school. I hate this ... for myself and for her.
I have had it!
With judgmental people who think they have the God given right to tell people not only what to do, but what to think. Their response to differing opinions too often turns to hateful responses that are no less than demeaning and cruel. Far too many of these people represent the far right members of the Grand Old Party. Their diatribes are more fitting to 1930s/1940s Germany than today. That frightens me. In the past month I have listened to their vitriolic attack on public school and public school teachers - who are personified as socialists and/or communists. As someone who really knows what goes on within the walls of schools, I cannot imagine anything further from the truth. Far more indoctrination goes on within the walls of charter schools and home school classrooms. Public school teachers are far too busy trying to jump through the myriad of hoops NCLB and state legislators have mandated. Who has the time to waste on overthrowing the government when we have fractions to master?
I have had it!
With days that are too busy - crammed with the expectations of others. One can only fit so many things on a "to do" list. No matter how worthy they may be, there comes a time when you have to say no. I wish people would be charitable enough to accept a no without feeling compelled to deliver a dose of guilt in an attempt to change it to a yes.
I have had it!
With the feeling so many of us have that we are not worth loving. That we are not worth anything. That there is nothing to live for anymore. A friend of mine took his own life at the end of April because he believed all those things. My heart breaks because none of us were able to convince him otherwise. All he could hear at the end were the voices of a world that dismisses anyone who is not perfect and marching to the common cadence of their drummer. My darling boy, you were worth more than all the stars in the sky. You were loved. You were good enough. You were worthy enough. You were precious. Your different drummer beat out the music of your soul, and that music was a perfect symphony. I will carry the grief of your choice for the rest of my life ... wishing that I had been able to help you find a better road and the answers you sought but never found. I am so sorry that I was unable to help you to ignore the blaring cacophony of a world that left you in so much pain.
I've had it ... for today. Tomorrow I will take a deep breath and try again.
